A big thanks to one of our readers for reaching out with a great question!
I'm 23 years old and I feel like a want a simple, calm and relaxed life, but for some reason this doesn't seem socially acceptable. I feel like I should be out partying.
I have a decent job and my own place to live. I like gardening, working on old cars and meditation, and have recently gotten interested in living a healthy lifestyle. I just love being relaxed and at home.
Whenever my friends are over, I'm ready for them to leave after just a couple hours. It's draining for me. I do most of my traveling alone and enjoy it. However, I've gotten comments lately asking if I'm depressed and telling me to stop acting like an old man. So, now I'm wondering if my choices aren't right.
First of all, the most important thing is living a life that makes you happy. That will be different for each of us. You're not required to be doing anything specific at any age. Everyone has their own interests and things they enjoy, and one person's is no more right than another's.
There are more than two lifestyles to choose from, so don't get lulled into a false dichotomy by thinking this way. It's easy to believe that if you're not out partying you're "missing out." And that "everyone parties." Some personality types and lifestyles are inherently more socially visible than others, but that doesn't mean there isn't a large, more silent, population doing exactly what you're describing. They may just not be as easy to see on social media.
That being said, it's important to be honest with yourself. Are you truly happiest and most fulfilled when working on solo projects and engaging in calm activities or are you avoiding anxiety around other types of choices? Might you benefit and grow by finding the right way to take small steps towards trying them out? Being uncomfortable in a situation isn't necessarily a reason to avoid it. Sometimes discomfort is a step toward identifying and working on the skills that will make you better in a wider variety of situations.
Depression can be incredibly difficult to self-diagnose. It doesn't necessarily mean feeling sad or tired all the time. Humans are inherently social creatures and, generally speaking, some type of social interaction benefits us. This interaction can take a wide variety of forms and frequency, so "going out partying" isn't mandatory, but feeling meaningful connections with others is critical to mental health. You mentioned working on old cars - are there car shows or other related social activities around that hobby that might help create some authentic connections on your own terms?
There's a whole world of stuff out there, so don't do things that make you unhappy, but don't give up on finding new avenues of connection and meaning in your life. I recommend that you stop worrying about words like "weird" and "normal" and "everyone" and try to be self-aware and examine your own feelings and reactions to your choices and let that be your guide.
Be kind to yourself,
Aymii
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I go through stages of feeling like this. The older I get, the more I realize how often I ignore my Introvert traits, as they are not understood by many, and boundaries are rarely respected. So I adapted to be someone less genuine but more socially acceptable. I am confident enough to deal with sales, lead business meetings and go out and be a social butterfly --- but it is exhausting and carries with it some anxiety. I much prefer small groups or even one-on-one meaningful social interaction, and working alone or within small teams. Adjusting to find a lifestyle and work style that compliments my genuine self is the hardest part. Any suggestions for us introverts on how to rebound from being overstimulated, Aymii?
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